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Before You

by Alicia Palmquist Hansen

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1.
Even your eyes Even your dark eyes Shed more light Than a sunrise Just your voice Just your bright voice Sheds enough light Light to see by I was broken I was lonely I was disintegrating heart Before you I gave everything too much thought Before you Everything was overwrought Before you, before you Even your cries Even your blind rage Are like the open air After a tiny cage I was dead-ended A bruised and distended, trapped and disintegrating heart I was up-ended Lost and expended, trapped and disintegrating heart Before you I gave everything too much thought Before you Everything was overwrought Before you, before you
2.
You can hold my eyes Hold my body with yours But my mind’s flown out The open doors This is happening Too much these days Gave it too much freedom Now it never obeys I’ve always allowed it To wander at will When I’m tied to the post It can make its own kill What have I done, Who is this beast Who comes home bloody-mouthed Though I’ve laid out a feast? My mind’s this treacherous thing With a pair of dark wings When I want it to stay That’s when it quickly flits away Perhaps I should keep it Hooded and caged But when I tried that before It became so enraged I slowly lost My will and nerve Now there’s no question Who rules and who serves My mind’s this treacherous thing With its dark powerful wings When I ask it to stay That’s when it always slips away It’s such a terrible thing I should have clipped its wings But if I forced it to stay It would just escape in some other way
3.
I Disagree 02:48
I disagree I disagree With everything you’re telling me I’ve been so good I’ve held my tongue I learned my role When I was young I’ve disagreed Too secretly With everything you’ve been telling me I’ve held in My quiet rage It wants some freedom In its old age
4.
This hollow beating Keeps repeating And its ragged pleading Is so misleading It’s always there It never rests A low dull ache In my chest This dark slow bleeding Drains all feeling Except for needing This endless needing It never goes out It never rests A pilot light In my chest But I am learning Not to take this yearning As some kind of sign Some kind of clue To who I should be and what I should do I must stop reading Any meaning In this hollow beating This endless repeating It’s always there It never rests A part of me As my own breath And it won’t stop seething Til I stop breathing This hollow beating…
5.
I guess the truth is I need my time alone I’m not shy or timid Solitude runs deep in my bones I want a quiet life Lived quietly With just my baby And my baby and me I read a lot of books Never go out at night You may not hear about me And that’s really all right I wouldn’t trade All my privacy For any amount of Fame and glory So I hope that you’re not waiting for me To turn into something that I’ll never be I’ll never be I’ve never wanted to be It’s not that I don’t trust Your advice per se But I’ve become too fond Of doing things my own way It’s taken me A long, long time to see That most of your rules Need not apply to me So I hope that you’re not waiting for me To turn into something that I’ll never be I’ll never be I’ve never wanted to be Something that I will never be Will never be I’ve never wanted to be And I won’t make the mistake of thinking that would make me happy
6.
Who I Am 04:04
Who am I, who am I Who am I to hide? If I am cast in the die Then who am I to hide? Who am I, who am I Who am I to disguise This deep cry, this inner cry? So who am I to let the rift grow wide? Who am I to hide Who I am, who I am Who I am?
7.
Habits 03:24
It’s a habit You inhabit Your life-full Of habits It’s a tyranny The unconscious slave in me Does what they command Shackled feet and hand There’s no way around it You must inhibit your habit And do something new Even if it feels backwards to you You must do something new Even if it feels backwards to you They are dear to me Even when they savagely Push and hold me down To this cold familiar ground And there’s no way around it I must inhibit these habits And try something new With nothing to turn to I must try something new In my nakedness, with nothing to turn to
8.
Empty Shelf 04:07
My life once felt Like a dusty shelf And I was repelled By my rusty self So I told my heart To grow up and move out For holding me back And wearing me out When you moved out I lost all source of heat And gained an awful silence Without your steady beat Now this block of ice Is lodged in my throat Where the blood once flowed Is now a frozen moat Come on home, old heart of mine You can be my black and blue valentine I’ll never make you try to be The calculating part of me Come on home, old heart of mine Ten years is such a long time I’ll finally let you be The living, beating The living beating part of me
9.
Battle Stare 04:04
10.
Meristem 05:19
When you heard that awful sound And found the helpless bleeding doe You stayed with her until her life ran out That was just like you You still come often to this place Where thick salal has overgrown The quiet remains of clean white bones And dwell in the memory of her eyes That seemed to say she was more alive Upon her death than she’d ever been in life That’s just like you
11.
Maybe I suffer from grand delusions Maybe you should sell your soul down the river Maybe we have made nothing but poor choices Maybe they were right about that after all But I don’t believe it, I don’t believe it I don’t believe it, and nor do you Maybe I lack essential drive Maybe you really are too sensitive Maybe we are naïve and foolish Maybe they were right about that after all But I don’t believe it, I don’t believe it I don’t believe it, I don’t believe it

about

ALICIA PALMQUIST HANSEN - piano, voice
BEN BROWN - drums
JESSE ZUBOT - violin
PEGGY LEE - cello
DARREN PARRIS - bass
LEE HUTZULAK - electronics
produced by JESSE ZUBOT

credits

released November 6, 2018

all songs by ALICIA PALMQUIST HANSEN
produced by JESSE ZUBOT
engineered by JOHN RAHAM at AFTERLIFE STUDIOS (vancouver, bc)
mixed by JOHN RAHAM & JESSE ZUBOT at AFTERLIFE STUDIOS (vancouver, bc)
mastered by JESSE ZUBOT at the BRITTANIA BEACH BUNKER (brittania beach, bc)
cover photographs by JAYME LANG
album design by HEATHER NEALE
© 2018 ALICIA PALMQUIST HANSEN (SOCAN)
www.aliciahansenmusic.com

This recording was made possible through the assistance of the Music Section of the Canada Council for the Arts

Supported by Creative BC and The Province of British Columbia

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Alicia Hansen Vancouver, British Columbia

Haunting and sophisticated, Vancouver native Alicia Palmquist Hansen’s “ethereal voice and classically informed arrangements come together in experimental pop that’s both listenable and challenging” (Now Magazine).

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